Christopher’s Substack
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Pastor Chris White says to all of you: HELLO MY FRIENDS. May the Lord bless you today.
HOLA MIS AMIGOS. Que el Señor los bendiga.
1. Warm Up the Tone of Your Communication
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31–32
St. Paul doesn’t waste time here. He tells us to pack up bitterness, anger, and sarcasm, put them in a box, and move them out of the house. In their place, he calls us to kindness, compassion, and forgiveness—virtues that don’t always come naturally but always pay rent.
To be tenderhearted means we try—really try—to imagine how another person feels. You know the feeling: you hear about a family devastated by tragedy and your heart aches for people you’ve never met. That same capacity for compassion is meant to live at home too.
In marriage, this shows up most clearly in how we speak. Tone matters. Words matter. Volume definitely matters.
Years ago, my wife and I hit a rough stretch. Love felt thin, patience thinner. A friend suggested I read Forever My Love by Margaret Hardisty. The big takeaway wasn’t clever psychology—it was disarmingly simple: speak warmly, even when you don’t feel warm.
So I did. And something strange happened. My heart eventually followed my mouth. Love reappeared—not because I forced it, but because I stopped poisoning it.
If this sounds manipulative, try the opposite. Speak in sarcasm, contempt, and anger for a month and see where your heart lands. Words don’t just express what’s inside us—they shape it.
After many years of marriage, I can say this with confidence: a gentle tone usually invites gentleness back. Jesus’ Golden Rule—do unto others as you would have them do unto you—has never been more practical than in the way you speak to your spouse today.
2. Say Thank You Out Loud—and Often
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
Proverbs 18:21
The Bible is clear: your words are planting something. The only question is whether you’re growing life or slowly salting the soil.
This brings us to a sin so common it barely registers anymore—chronic complaining.
There is a faithful kind of complaint. Scripture is full of honest prayers that begin with, “Hear my complaint, O Lord.” But there’s another kind—the kind rooted in ingratitude, the kind that drains the room and discourages everyone in earshot.
We all know someone like this. Nothing is ever quite right. The drink has too much ice. The luxury car leather is disappointing. Life is apparently very hard.
I once drove six hours through traffic and bad weather with small children to spend Christmas with my elderly grandmother. Upon arrival, she let me know she was disappointed that I didn’t call often enough. At that moment I learned a valuable life lesson: no good deed goes unpunished.
Complaining about your spouse—to them or to others—is one of the most destructive uses of speech. Yes, no one is perfect. But most spouses are far better than we give them credit for.
Maybe your husband doesn’t earn as much as you hoped—but he gets up every morning and goes to work. Say so.
Maybe your wife isn’t a “trophy”—but she carries your home and family with grace. Say so.
Celebrate effort. Acknowledge sacrifice. Appreciation has compound interest. Complaining bankrupts joy.
3. Pray for Your Spouse—Then Trust God with the Outcome
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
Luke 11:9–10
How often do you pray for your spouse—and what do those prayers sound like?
Do you ask God to fix them? Improve them? Make them more like your idea of perfect? Or do you ask God to make them fully who He designed them to be?
God hears every prayer. He does not answer every request. And thankfully so—because our vision is small and usually self-centered.
We all carry a mental image of the “ideal spouse.” The truth is, if your spouse ever became that flawless person, you’d probably be wildly unqualified to be married to them.
By all means, pray about real struggles. I can personally testify that more than one of my inner demons has been defeated through my wife’s prayers. But the deepest love says, “Lord, make them who You want them to be—and give me the grace to love them there.”
That prayer delights God because it trusts Him more than it trusts control.
4. Serve Your Spouse—Cheerfully and Without a Scorecard
“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve.”
Mark 10:45
The world measures greatness by how many people serve you. Jesus measures it by how many you serve.
Marriage is one of the primary places we practice this upside-down greatness.
Every marriage has roles and responsibilities shaped by calling, gifting, and common sense. Early on, I handled the checkbook—until repeated financial disasters revealed that my wife, who actually understands numbers, should probably do that instead.
Still, there are chores neither of us loves. For me, it’s hauling trash cans out on dark, cold Wednesday nights. When I pull into the driveway and see my wife has already done it, she instantly achieves rock star status.
Likewise, when she comes home to a clean kitchen, I get a small halo—at least for the evening.
Acts of service may not feel romantic, but they speak fluently the language of love. Done at the right moment, they can rival roses and candlelight.
5. Give Affection Freely—and Intimacy Joyfully
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24–25
God created us as body and soul together—woven, not stacked. Touch is not incidental to love; it’s essential.
Our skin is our largest sensory organ, designed to communicate safety, affection, and belonging. A hug releases chemicals that calm the nervous system, reduce stress, and bond us together. There’s a reason babies thrive on being held and adults fall apart without touch.
I once lost sensation in my skin due to a virus and had to undergo neurological testing. Blindfolded, I could still identify objects placed in my hand almost instantly. Our bodies remember touch deeply.
Affection—whether a hand on the shoulder, a lingering hug, or marital intimacy—strengthens bonds God intended to be strong. After all, problems often feel smaller after closeness, not bigger.
We have skin for a reason. It is a gift. And in marriage, used rightly, it is very good.
Conclusion: Small Faithful Acts, Big Lasting Grace
None of these five practices are flashy. You won’t find them trending on social media or packaged as a “30-day marriage hack.” They are quiet, ordinary, and deeply biblical. And that’s precisely why they work.
A warm tone. Grateful words. Faithful prayer. Humble service. Loving touch.
Individually, they may feel small. Together, practiced over time, they shape the atmosphere of a marriage. They form habits of the heart. They create space for grace to breathe.
Marriage rarely falls apart in one dramatic moment. More often, it erodes through thousands of tiny choices—sharp words, withheld affection, silent resentments, unspoken gratitude. The good news is that restoration works the same way. God often heals marriages not through one grand gesture, but through daily faithfulness in ordinary things.
What makes these practices uniquely Christian is not that they guarantee immediate happiness, but that they place your marriage back into God’s hands. They shift the focus from “How am I being treated?” to “How can I love as Christ has loved me?” And when that shift happens—even imperfectly—God goes to work.
You don’t have to do all five perfectly. You don’t even have to do them all at once. Start with one. Start today. Speak one kind word you don’t feel like speaking. Offer one prayer of trust instead of control. Perform one quiet act of service without keeping score.
Grace grows in places where humility lives.
And remember this: the goal of marriage is not perfection, but faithfulness. Not constant romance, but enduring love. Not the absence of struggle, but the presence of God in the struggle.
May the Lord bless your marriage—not because you do everything right, but because you keep turning toward one another, and toward Him, again and again.
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